this moment

It's November 1st, 2009 and in my wildest imaginings I never thought I would be here, in the situation I am in, in the world that I occupy, in this life that appears to be mine. I started this blog months ago at the urging of many friends and family that have enjoyed things I have written or thought that comments I have made were interesting. I came up with a cool title, a nice 'blurb' as a header and then I didn't write a single word. Mostly because I've been...dep...uhm... I've been experiencing some d..urm...ahmm...things have been ...pffffffft...fu*# it-I've been depressed. Hard to write that for me, harder to say it-my therapist calls it the "D" word because of my aversion to it. Hard to write a blog called "Producing Joy" when you've got the "D" word. I didn't feel I could practice what I preached-still don't all the time... most of the time.

I'll sum up because although the details may be different, our situation I'm afraid is not uncommon. I haven't been able to find a steady job since the end of 2007. I didn't get closed out in the recession or get outsourced but my job ended unexpectedly and it happened during a time when unemployment in Michigan more than doubled from 6.9% the end of 2007 to the over 15% it is now.-Bad timing, bad luck, bad karma no matter what you call it-it's bad.

As an artist, work is forever sketchy I'm used to that but I've always found a 'semi-civilian' gig; I did educational programming for an arts center, I've been an administrator in arts organizations, did the spin and grin on the auto show circuit or a ride and drive. And like most in this business tons of part-time stuff--tended bar, midnight hotel desk clerk, gas station attendant. I had a paper route in my thirties, have done literally hundreds of load-ins and have even sold cutlery that can cut a penny. People who know me will attest I do not avoid work, but at a time when we are shedding jobs by the thousands each week I am 0-100+ in the interview/application process. Well, I almost had one $10 an hour job but ended up not getting it because the employer knew I would always be looking to leave for a better paying gig and decided not to hire me at all. As a final kicker going into the holidays our only remaining client/co-producer cancelled all our upcoming ventures until June of 2010.

We can't afford health insurance now and have joined that American statistic so bandied about in our political arenas lately. Now it's the first of the month which means the mortgage is due and yes we'll make that payment but I can't guarantee next month or what we'll have to leave unpaid to make it. If I have to turn off the heat at least we'll be covered because the stack of unpaid medical bills can burn in my fire place for a long time.

Unemployed, Uninsured and Overextended:Life During The Obama First Term-I don't blame the President but it's not an unfair description-Actually, it hurts me to even say that because I was the oldest person I saw humping the the streets of Pontiac and Waterford campaigning for the guy-I took my kids to see him in Detroit. My political leanings are well documented and I put my feet, my pen and my time where my mouth is but these "times" are going to define President Obama's presidency whether anyone likes it or not. Personally, I am of the belief that the previous 8 years [and the prior-devil Ronnie Reagan] are far more responsible for what has happened in this country and the world than anything Mr. Obama has done in 10 months but he is going to own this crisis because the recovery is going to happen [or not] on his watch. I wish he wasn't such a wimp about getting the insurance reform done and would stand up against don't ask don't tell and the marriage act but all those are subjects for other blogs. I think overall that President Obama has done exceedingly well in a situation of enormous magnitude and depth and I am VERY happy he is my President. Which brings me back to the subject of this blog-happiness or the lack thereof.

So things suck but somehow just knowing that it's not only me...doesn't help one damn bit, really. It seems somehow immoral to take solace or have my pain assuaged because of other people's hardships. In fact I feel worse because others are suffering and a good many of them worse than me. It's dep...disheartening. So what do you do? What makes you set the alarm at night? For me it's my Dad, dead for over 25 years but somehow still with a grip on the back of my neck and a blue eyed stare that could cook a potato in five minutes. He passed on a lot of advice to me in the 19 years I knew him but the one that sticks with me is...and I'm paraphrasing now...

e

"Life is hard and most of the time things are not going to go as you'd like them to go. Well, too bad, nobody is ever promised an easy road and there's no use bitching about it because nobody cares about your sad story, they've got their own. " He was from the tough love school of parenting of that generation. "You want a successful life? Take the bad things that happen without... drama" he looked for a word he thought I'd understand. "Don't let the bastards know they've hurt you. Then when you get up you'll be stronger...."And you can kick their ass right Dad?!! "No, then you can ignore it because bad shit really only goes away when it doesn't matter any more." It was kind of a mix of; 'never let them see you sweat' and 'the best revenge is a life well lived.'

But how can I have a life well lived when I am terrified I'm going to have to live in a refrigerator box? And how the hell am I not supposed to let that affect me, not have any drama? I'm an actor I need direction, how do I get through the damn day?!Then I go back to " bad shit really only goes away when it doesn't matter any more." Ultimately, what's the only thing that really matters?... Life right? Being alive; it's hard to do anything if you don't have that going for ya. I mean in comparison nothing really matters outside of that, so at this moment I'm alive and that's good. Ok cool, got through a moment. What else matters? My family; they are all safe, nothing else is truly significant outside of being alive with my family. So, right now, I am alive, I am loved and I am not in a refrigerator box, this is a good moment. And in this good moment the bad shit is gone because I have all that matters. And this moment is really the only one we have right? Can't change a past moment or alter a future one, they're gone or haven't happened, this moment is the only guarantee; so by logical progression the ONLY thing that really matters is this moment- And that is how I get through the day, one moment at a time, by concentrating on right now, embracing this instant-and that produces joy right now, because now is all we have for sure. So moment by moment the day passes, and little by little the moments get strung together making a good minute, a good hour, a good day and before you know it it's time to set the alarm again. It's hard to do that, I have to think about it, force myself do it and I'm not always successful but like Dad said nobody is ever promised an easy road.

As actors we find our greatest success in the truth, living in this moment, well art imitates life and I am determined to have a successful life even if I have to get there one , this moment, at a time.